Unsolicited I Love You's

They happen at various moments throughout the day.  Last week in one day alone it happened first thing when I woke up and rolled over to awaken to the sight of Auggie John at my beside, then again as the little one made his way up into my lap while we were all just hanging out in the living room and lastly on a road trip that same day out of the blue.  These I love you's don't require me to be doing anything and are never the product of something I've recently given him.  They are literally the most undeserved reminder that a blue-eye-toe-head little boy loves me most unconditionally.

And yet I can recognize and know that this will fade.  I know the days of more 'conditioned' love are on the horizon.  I know the little one who wraps his arms around my neck or runs excitedly to me after not seeing me for a half hour trip to the grocery store will soon shift to not even recognizing my coming home.  And this is my baby.  And there is joy and sorrow in that.  There is surrender and mourning and letting go to this stage of parenting.

And that is okay.  

Because life is fragile and it moves ever so quickly.  All of a sudden instead of peering forward into endless possibilities the hardships seem bigger and the grief for the challenges around you seems to grow.  Your world shrinks a bit and the dreams become a little simpler.

But the trade off is this: this bond of affection and love between a family that has made it through life together.  The knowing glances of a mother to her son, or the unsolicited hug of a daughter who just needs to feel someones touch, or the smile of a spouse who knows you and gets you in a way that could only be understood in the trenches of fifteen years together.  Long gone are my dreams of oversea travel and grand adventure...replaced instead with aspirations of future celebrations of our children and what they will become as they grow up. 

And in the letting go of having littles I learn a bit about myself too.  I learn there is rarely a sweeter feeling in my soul than that of a newborn laying on my chest to sleep or that of a baby who so desperately needs their momma.  And I mourn this along the way.  It makes me sad to know that this chapter of my life is closing...

But the next one is pretty great too.  Seeing our children become people, with critical minds and compassionate hearts.  Seeing them make mistakes and overcome and learn.  Seeing how much a solid and steady family life can help create the most incredible human beings.  

Tonight I know I'm peaking into the future of less and less unsolicited I love yous...at least the spoken kind.  But I know the affirmations and the joys will come in other ways.  Meanwhile I'll hold onto them and cling tightly to the sound of those three words while I can...and to the little arms that find their way to my neck while he is still willing...