TRUE Presence

Addie Rose…teaching me about God’s love.

In Mass this morning I was reflecting in quiet after receiving the Eucharist on how much better I could be doing as a mom.  I have had some really weak moments in the last few days…of yelling, of frustration, of losing my cool-especially with my little girl.  She is beautiful and wonderful but she draws on every ounce of patience I have and completely maxes me out.  In the last three days with a combination of Michael being gone more than normal, my having a longer to-do list and her being more needy I have lashed out at her numerous times.  I have yelled at her and lost my cool in ways I’m not proud of.  And in Mass I called upon Jesus to forgive me and give me the strength to not be so short with her and to just meet her where she is at-a typical 2 year old child.

I felt like God was saying something to me in the quiet of my confession…in the stillness after receiving Him.  I was seeing the way I would envision Jesus to love on children…only with open arms…only with patience…with tender eyes that see into their soul, wishing I had that kind of composure…praying for the strength to see her more like He does…  And then He took me one step farther…

“See Addie Rose as me, Tasha.  See her as me…not just how I would love her.  But look into her eyes and SEE ME.”

Lately Addie Rose has been saying a few things over and over to me.  These key phrases that have become her mantra stir in my head.  One of her most common statements is,

“Mommy I want you.” 

I’m right THERE, in the same room with her and yet she says,

“Mommy I want you.” 

Do you know what she wants? 

She wants me to pick her up and hold her.  Embrace her.  That’s all. 

How many times is Christ saying to me, “Tasha, I want you…” and simply asking for my presence…but I’m too preoccupied with the things I think I need to get done…even my quiet time with Him becomes a check on the to-do list…and my stillness in prayer becomes rushing to ‘get it in.’ 

But today Addie Rose repeated a sentence that was new…one that I had never heard her say before…and in the quiet of prayer a big realization hit me.  If I gaze upon her, look into her eyes and really see her as Jesus Himself…I should be paralyzed by the words she was speaking.  Today those words were different…today she simply said repeatedly…in the kitchen…while I was right there with her, by her side, making her breakfast, getting her dressed, washing the dishes…she pleaded to me with these words…

“Mommy…I miss you.”

I’ve been with her all weekend.  I haven’t been traveling like Michael has.  I haven’t spent hours away from her…and yet the thing she said over and over to me this morning while I was in the kitchen, right next to her, yet hurriedly getting ready for work…

“Mommy…I miss you.”

And it wasn’t until I was in Mass this morning reflecting in quiet that I made the parallel to Jesus, or better yet-He made the parallel for me.  I have my quiet times, I greet Him daily…and yet I can still be so not present to Him.  I can feel like I’m taking care of that relationship…but as with any other person…hurried time without true presence still makes the heart ache for authentic connection.

“Tasha…I miss you.”

Thank you Jesus.  For opening my eyes to my need to be truly present…to my daughter…to the people in my life…to stare deeply into her eyes so as to see more clearly her heart…and in the same way…to gaze upon You.