Love

Tonight I washed Jackson and Addie Rose's feet.  Who would have thought?  I knew trying to take them to mass tonight would be a disaster since it didn't start until 7:30pm.  So we had dinner like normal and after dinner we read the Last Supper reading from the Jesus Storybook Bible - Jackson actually stayed at the table, with a little help from our friend Mike who was visiting - and he heard the story.  We passed around bread and broke it for each other...and then took a drink from the cup (of milk) and passed it around.

Then I brought Jackson over to the chair I had prepared while Michael read about the washing of the feet.  I rolled up his pants (he asked if he should take them off :) ) and took off his socks.  He looked down at me in anticipation with a big smile on his face.  And I washed his feet.  I hope I can always remember the look of awe and wonder in his eyes.  Obviously he was so taken aback by this simple act that was happening outside of context that he was used to.  

Then we grabbed Addie Rose...and as I was preparing to wash her feet Jackson said he wanted to help.  So, together, him and I washed her feet.  She looked at us with pure joy.  Her eyes just radiated an excitement that was so beautiful...

And then our little 'ceremony' was finished.  I'm amazed we held Jackson's attention long enough to accomplish all of this.  But it is a fun tradition to start...I clean these kiddos all the time...but there was something different about this experience...about it being more of a ritual that I will forever remember.

And then I had the blessing of going to Holy Thursday mass tonight alone.  It was like a mini-retreat for me.  I can't remember the last time I had two hours of uninterrupted worship with the Lord.  Wow my heart was in need.  Too many times I found myself swallowing back tears...and when the washing of the feet happened in Mass all I could think about were the two beautiful ones I had washed the feet of earlier that evening...

And then I started thinking about how easy it was for me...to bend down...to care for them.  To feel them receive my love.  It brought me pure joy.  

Then the tables turned...and I started to think about Jesus washing my feet...and how ashamed or embarrassed I would feel.  How often do we hear people react to the request to let someone wash their feet?  It would be somewhat awkward...or uncomfortable.  But I think the real question we are asking in our heart or hearts is...How can I be worthy of that kind of servanthood?  How could someone want do that for me?

It hit me...in a really raw way.  I TREASURED the ability to love my kids by washing their feet.  My heart SWELLED with joy, with love, with happiness.  I fought back tears the whole time...gazing into their eyes and watching their wonder and awe at such a simple act brought complete HAPPINESS to me.  

And I thought about what it might feel for Jesus to do the same.  It must have given him pure joy to serve His disciples in that way.  He must have overflowed with love in the same way that I did...

So why do I feel I'm not worthy of that love?  Why do I feel embarrassed that Jesus would want to serve me like that?  

I know that I need to constantly be aware that I am worthy of that kind of love.  Even saying that makes me feel somewhat sheepish.  But I think ALL of us need to be aware of that.  I HOPE and PRAY our kids will know they are worthy and assured that they are loved in that capacity...with a love that is beyond all measure...that overflows with grace and compassion...love from a God who would give his very own son for us.  How beautiful...

And as I drove around tonight after Mass running some errands I found this old CD that I had a long time ago...when my heart came on fire again for the Lord...after years of running from him...and this song just put me right back there...and right here.  I have NO IDEA why I am so blessed...why I am so loved....what am I to deserve this...

And yet I know it.  I know an incredible love that has changed my life...has given me purpose and reason and has connected me to uniquely to the most incredible husband who walks this journey with me.  I am so incredibly humbled.   

We all are worthy of it.  We all deserve to know this kind of love.  I pray every night that Jackson and Addie Rose will rest assured in that conviction...in that feeling...in that knowledge.  And I pray that we all might...  

What a beautiful God.