Loving Me

This weekend we celebrated my sisters wedding...and this little gem in the picture above walked down the aisle.  I never knew I could be so proud.  I never knew my heart could love something as much as I love him.  He walked behind me down the aisle...and when he started walking I ached to turn around and watch him on his little stroll...and when I finally got to turn around to see him as I got to the end of the aisle my heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears.  I've never been so proud of him...

Sometimes as parents we shy away from 'bragging' on our kids, not wanting to boast or sound prideful.  And yet inside of me I want to proclaim from the mountaintops how special this little boy is, how much he changes our world, and how much he makes our hearts fill with love. 

• I ache at the thought or possibility of something bad happening to him. 
• I fear the day he doesn't want to just crawl into my arms, or give me a hug and kiss because it's 'not cool.'
• I pray that he will come to know the Lord and not make as many mistakes along the way as I did. 
• I pray for his future spouse, that she is a Godly woman and that he will love and serve her. 
• I love his charisma, the way he interacts with people.  It melts my heart.
• I want to protect him from pain, heartache, mistakes and so desire to shelter him from the evil that can exist in the world.
• I never want to see him in pain...
• I want him to know that he always has a safe place to go...a place he can call home-no matter what choices he makes.  I want him to know he is loved...to rest in that security. 

And tonight I was reminded at a conference...that God loves me even more than I love this little boy.  Really?  Why does it take so much for me to realize it?  There is something about becoming a parent and falling more and more in love with your child(ren) that makes the Father's love so much more real.  I know what I feel for this little boy that has stolen my heart and even the little girl within my womb...and yet there is a 'parent' who loves me more than that.  At times I feel so unworthy, so undeserving of that kind of love.  And I so seldom reflect on it through the eyes of being a parent...but tonight as I did I was humbled.  I was reminded of the sacrifice that God made when he gave up his son so that we might know Him more.  I was keenly aware of how little I reflect on this unconditional love of God that should direct and guide all my actions. 

When I came to know and understand what a relationship with God was like it was the following song and lyrics that inspired my conversion...

Your Loving Me:  Jon McLaughlin

Open up the center of my being

There's gotta be some room inside of me

Im tired of trying to find a way to make it through these endless days

Complacency is not enough for me

Constant thoughts of where I ought to be plague me

How could I be a fool so long when the only way I live at all

Youre loving me

Youre grace is so amazing

Youre loving me

Ive tried to push distractions from my head

Oh, I try and try but find myself mislead

I need Your hand to clear this road

I know I cannot bear this load

I run until I run right out of breath

And only a fool would run from what he knows is best

Without Your hand to guide I know

There's loneliness there's never growth

But still I try, I fail all on my own

But through it all

Youre loving me

Youre grace is so amazing

Youre loving me

So open up any door for me

And watch me walk again

I give up all fear and reluctance to depend

And when I fall down, Your rules they never bend

You pick me up anyway

Cause You're loving me

You're grace is so amazing

You're loving me

It was the love of God, even after all my mistakes and wrong turns, the unconditional that was waiting for me that brought me crawling towards a new life.  And it is that same love that reminds me over and over again what we really live for.  I can so easily convince myself that I'm there, living that, when in reality I'm not even seeking it...so this is my humble attempt to admit that I am blessed by knowing the love of God...and pray that each day I might rest in that knowledge and in those intimate moments with Him. 
One of my favorite moments with Jackson is when he just sits still, or perhaps is even asleep, but has crawled into my lap simply to seek my arms and the comfort of the humble love I have to offer him.  I pray that I could spend more time soaking up the love of the One who loves me like that...