Humbled

Two times ago I sat to blog and voiced my frustrations about not getting pregnant. I felt like it really was a healing moment of letting go...little did I know that as I was typing I was three to four days pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of finding out we were going to have another baby. It almost didn't feel real and it still has taken awhile for that to happen-but then the sickness and exhaustion set in and I knew it was.

I had no idea how incredibly exhausting the journey of the last year was, how much it ate at me each month. I feel somewhat unjustified to say these things as I sit here knowing we will be having another baby but my heart aches for women who can't get pregnant. The only thing we want as mothers, and we are mothers whether are not we have children, is to love. We have so much love to give and we just want our families to grow. And to go through the roller coaster of each month thinking this might be it, only to find out it isn't, is simply exhausting. It seems so unfair and so unjust to see so many children around the world be left unloved when your only desire to give love to one. So here I sit, knowing in no way can I understand the pain that so many people who struggle with infertility go through, or understand God's plan in all, but in some ways thankful that I had a glimpse of what it was like each month to feel the disappointment that the world can't see. We know many people who have journeyed with infertility for years and I continue to lift them up in prayer. It is a battle that tears at your heart and that is so hard to understand or explain.

And here I am pregnant...and honestly-humbled. Humbled that we were able to get pregnant before we went on meds, humbled that God would allow this to happen and just purely thankful for the life that is growing inside of me.

It's been a good couple of weeks since we returned home from our travels. Our second trip over break was to go to Powderhorn mountain with the Heinrichs and take J-man skiing. He was a total stud. We took him the first day down the bunny hill. The ski instructor told us to expect maybe two or three times down the hill. He went down at least 15 times and we were pretty tired because we were the ones to be carrying him up the hill. We decided the next day he could do the chair lift and he did! It was awesome. The first run down he stopped at the house (since the house were staying in was literally on the slope) where I was waiting. He started to scream-not because he wanted to stop but because he wanted to go more! He did about three more times down the big hill and loved it. It was such a fun moment for us.

Michael and I both retreated this last week. Michael went to the Poustinia in Oconomowoc for a Silent Retreat and I headed with some women to the Sinsinawa Mounds for a weekend women's retreat, both very different but both what we needed just refresh our souls as we begin this semester.

Jackson continues to grow and develop. He definitely keeps us going. Now the biggest discoveries in him are full sentences and repeating things that we say. We are working on potty training and yesterday I'm happy to say that by the end of the day he was wearing big boy underwear and had gone potty about 6 times. I had no idea how excited I could get about something like that. :) Here are some of the things he is doing/saying these days:

• Started saying, "Oh my gosh" in a very dramatic tone. It totally cracks us up.
• Loves to play hide and seek. Usually when daddy comes home we hide until he finds us...Jacksons heart races as he hears Michael coming closer. It's such a fun game for him.
• Still loves Lightning McQueen but if he is going to get a little bit of time to watch a movie he now request Madagascar. I wouldn't go as far as saying he has switched his allianes but... :)
• Talks in full sentences all the time. Michael and I were discussing something the other day (maybe a little elevated) and Jackson said, "Daddy is mad at mommy." Oh what they pick up on!!
• Loves, loves, loves to wear our shoes around the house, especially Michael's big boots. Says all the time, have to wear boots to go outside, have to wear hat to go outside. His daddy is pretty darn good about taking him out.
• Is absolutely positive that we are having a girl. When asked what is in mommy's tummy, a baby sister or brother he says baby sister every time. We will see...