Silent Night

Silence. What the heck is that? Seriously. I had high hopes to make this Advent one of silence, rest and reflection. Instead I have filled it. Filled it with my to do list. And I can justify it all in my head, but my heart is so empty. I'm moving way to fast, not slowing down enough and not even realizing I'm doing it until my husband points it out (needless to say I didn't respond to well to that either).

I know I'm a woman and a mom and a wife. I know we are multi-taskers. I know that I love to 'do' things and cross them off my list. I know that Christmas requires me to do more. But really? Staying up 'til 4:00am working on gifts...not able to sit down to watch a movie without a computer in my lap. And what for?

So the rationalization in my head is that my love language is gifts. I show love by giving gifts, and those gifts usually come in the form of something homemade, love helping people to know how much I care when they open them...but really?

And then the question that Michael asks me is "What are you running from?" Well that didn't exactly go over well. Running from? Are you kidding me? I'm running towards the lists, the things that need to get accomplished, someone has to do it...

And tonight I stopped for the first time in about two weeks. Really stopped and prayed. And what hit me...an overwhelming sadness about not getting pregnant. It's been over a year. And I tell myself there is no reason to be upset. We have a beautiful son...love him. And I do. And yet I run away from that sadness by staying busy. But the reality is, that when that to do list is done, and when I check off everything...that pain is still there. And the question now is shifting from when will we have another child...to will we ever have another child biologically?...

And that question is what I have been running from. Tonight I faced it in silence. I actually stopped to reflect. I Phil 2:1-11 and I found hope in the love of a God who chose to understand my pain...a God who came in the form of a tiny child to give us hope. That is what I want to wrap my heart around in this tiny bit of Advent that is left...and this Christmas...Hope and knowledge that God has plans for our family...hope that I will have peace, understanding and acceptance through it all...and hope in a child that came to save the world.